Oh, Al...
...you even brushed your teeth.
Hey, you're not Al.
Yeah, and you're no Mars bar.
A fat woman creatured her way into the shoe store today.
Let me guess, Al.
She sat down, and then she couldn't get up?
No, Peg. That would be you.
Oh, honey. I can get up, but why would I?
To give the cushions a breather.
Anyway, this three- times- a-lady...
...told me that the Kyoto National Bank...
...was buying a new football scoreboard for Polk High.
- Oh, much better than a new library. - That's exactly what I said.
But the best part is, Peg...
...they're dedicating it...
...to the most famous Polk High football legend.
A hint: Four touchdowns in one game.
- You? - Well, it's not official yet...
...but who else went to Polk scored four times in one game besides you?
Al, why do you think you'd win?
I mean, Marcie works at the Kyoto Bank and she hates you more than I do.
Oh, hold on, now, Peg. Marcie and I have a lot in common.
Wrong house.
We both live on the same side of the street. Both married deadbeats.
I eat chicken. She is one.
Dad, she's had you arrested over 20 times...
...and you call her "the little neighbour boy."
Pet name. Listen, Bud.
I want you to go over there and pick up that unsightly trash...
...that's accumulating on her yard.
Dad, you threw it there.
You wanna talk to me a little bit outside?
Fine.
Just do it.
Didn't I tell you to...
That you are the most attractive, vibrant woman I have ever seen.
Wrong house.
He thinks you're here about the scoreboard.
- Well, as a matter of fact, I am. - I told you, Peg.
The nominating committee...
...wants to dedicate the new Polk High football scoreboard...
...to you, Al.
What a surprise.
Well, before you brush off your good underwear...
...there is still one obstacle that lies between you...
...and the eternal happiness you seek.
You heard her, Peg. Get out.
Not her, Al.
Me.
You know, Marcie, I used to call you a chicken...
...but in this light...
...you look more like the stately peacock.
Save it.
I told that committee that there had to be...
...a better football player that came out of Polk.
So they've given me 24 hours to find one.
They can give you 24 lifetimes, and a new set of tail feathers.
You'll never be able to find a better one.
Maybe so.
But I will not rest until someone else's name...
...is on that scoreboard.
I finished cleaning up the D'Arcys' yard.
- Where you want me to put this? - Put it back where you found it.
Before you throw it over the fence, light it on fire.
Here, Mr. D'Arcy. Here are all the yearbooks...
...from my senior years in high school.
Well, thanks, Kelly. So far we found only one football player...
...in Polk High history who can hold a candle to your father.
He's trying to reach him now.
Yeah, is Scooter MacPhee there?
He is not? He's where?
Leavenworth? That's great.
I mean, it's great that he's off the streets. Bye- bye.
Jefferson, he killed a whole mess of people.
He won't be out for months.
That scoreboard is mine.
Congratulations.
Oh, Daddy, this is so great.
It's kind of like a real father getting a promotion.
Only better, pumpkin.
Because I may not have a lot of money or a job I can stand...
...or people I wanna come home to...
...but now I'm going to have a scoreboard...
...that proudly bears my name.
See, that's my legacy, pumpkin.
And when I'm gone, and I hope it's soon...
...you can look up and say, "That fine- looking scoreboard...
...is dedicated to..." - Terry Bradshaw.
Terry Brad...
Terry Bradshaw?
I never had no nickname Terry Bradshaw.
Not you, you chin strap.
I mean Super Bowl champion and Hall of Fame quarterback...
...Terry Bradshaw.
What are you talking about?
Terry Bradshaw never went to Polk High.
He did for two months in 1965.
Just long enough to join the chess club...
...and play Glinda in The Wizard of Oz.
That is Bradshaw, right between that munchkin and Dorothy.
Look at that.
Why are you doing this to me, Marcie?
Because God's on vacation, and he asked me to fill in.
Oh, don't worry, Al, we still want you to come to the ceremony...
...and if you don't mind, would you wear this T-shirt?
It would be an inspiration to all the students.
Daddy, this is an outrage.
This is just like the time that Odie stole Garfield's lasagne.
Now, he earned that lasagne, and you earned that scoreboard.
Do you know what?
All he had for dinner was cold cat food.
I don't want that to happen to you, Daddy.
I'm gonna go out there and get that scoreboard for you...
...and nothing is gonna stand in my way.
We're trapped.
Watch this, Jefferson.
Push, sweetheart.
Thank you, Daddy. Gotta go.
Quiet on the set.
And action.
I'm Terry Bradshaw for Kyoto National Bank.
Give me a K, give me a Y, give me an O-T-O.
- And what does it spell? - I have no idea.
Cut!
It spells "Kyoto," you home entertainment centre.
I'm sorry, Terry. I'll get another girl down here who can spell.
- You do, I'm walking. - Alrighty.
We're on a five.
Terry, I'll get makeup in here to give you a touchup.
Excuse me for a few minutes.
I've got a lot to do before tomorrow's dedication...
...and unlike you, I don't have anyone on the sidelines calling in the plays.
I called my own plays.
That was Staubach.
I beat him in the Super Bowl twice.
Brad Clayshaw?
Terry Bradpitt?
Hey, Mr. Football-Star-Guy.
Hi, I'm Kelly.
- I'm your makeup artist. - Well, what happened to Christy?
Well, she's a little tied up right now.
- What happened to your arm? - Oh, I broke my wrist.
No, no, no. The other one, it's so much smaller and frecklier.
So you must be really honoured having this entire field named after you, huh?
Well, I am but, I mean, I'm not sure I deserve it.
I only went to Polk High for two months.
I mean, I never even put on a football uniform.
You played naked?
Maybe you do deserve this.
Actually, I didn't play at all.
Oh, that's funny.
Because, see, my father, Al Bundy, he did play for Polk High.
In fact, he scored four touchdowns in one game.
It was the highlight of his life.
He got married. Had you.
Four touchdowns.
That's impressive.
Yeah, well, apparently not to the Bank of Coyote.
See, my father gave everything he had to Polk High...
...and if you look at him now, you'll know that that's all he had.
Look, Mr. Shawshank...
...you're a big football star. I mean...
...you know what it's like to win the big one.
My father never even won the little one.
So will you please just let him have this one stupid honour?
Stop, please. He can have it.
You mean it?
Absolutely. I mean, don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Tomorrow at the dedication, your daddy's gonna know...
...what it's like to win the big one.
Terry freaking Bradshaw.
How come quarterbacks get all the glory?
He never scored four touchdowns in one game.
Dad, you just need to watch some TV and take your mind off Terry Bradshaw.
Oh, maybe you're right.
I'// tak e Terry Bradshaw for a thousand, A/ex.
Tonight on Family Matters, Urk e/ finds his /ong-/ost father...
... Terry Bradshaw.
Tonight on PBS, the Three Tenors and Terry Bradshaw.
Oh, man.
You wouldn't believe the traffic out there.
Between the ticker- tape parades, the autograph hounds...
...and the gorgeous babes swooning for him...
...you'd think the pope was in town.
Let me guess. Terry Bradshaw.
You got it. Look, he signed my sleeve.
Oh, yeah, he signed it.
Well, I guess Bradshaw does need some happiness.
He only had those years with the Steelers, endorsements...
...the broadcasting career... - Don't forget...
...those Cannonba// Run movies...
...he made with Mel Tillis. - He got nominated for those.
Jefferson, the man won more Super Bowls than I've had good days.
Now Marcie and her Hideo Nomo-loving cronies down at the bank...
They wanna give him what's rightfully mine. I can takes no more.
When a Bundy doesn't get what is his...
...he makes sure no one else gets it either.
I know now what we must do.
Kelly, this is where your father used to do all his scoring.
Back in the prehistoric days when we were dating.
When dinosaurs roamed the land and not my bedroom.
Daddy, I am so glad you decided to come.
I have a feeling you're gonna get a big surprise later.
Oh, I'm sure someone will.
Hey, where's Bud? He said he was gonna be here.
Oh, he's around here someplace.
Double- 0 Shoe to Gold Digger, do you read me?
Yeah, this is Gold Digger. What's up, Al?
Code names, you idiot.
Sorry, Double- 0 Shoe.
That's better.
Is Son of Frank enstein down there with you?
Wait a sec. Can I please have a better code name?
Okay. You be Gold Digger. I'll be Son of Frankenstein.
Don't you mean Bride of Frankenstein?
- Why, you little bolt-neck... - Hey, don't touch me.
Focus, gentlemen. Focus.
We are on a mission that involves precise timing and ruthless efficiency.
Now, I have checked the program...
...and determined the optimum moment to strike...
...is when they play the fight song.
Al, you're not paying any attention to me.
Well, I'm sorry, Peg. You're looking quite...
...adequate today.
Oh, honey.
I can't wait to get you home and...
I always wanted to hear a woman say that.
Just not my own mother.
Since Agent Orange just breached my security...
...this is the last radio contact we'll have.
We'll strike when they play the school fight song.
Halfway through there is a cymbal crash.
That is your cue.
- Do you read? - Got it, Double- 0.
Yeah, we're locked and loaded.
Is this on? Is this on?
If you can hear me in the back, please raise your hand.
I don't think that particular gesture is appropriate...
...AI.
I'm Marcie D'Arcy, and I'd like to welcome you all...
...on behalf of Kyoto National Bank...
...where, when you open a savings account...
...we give you a free kimono.
Or a six-pack.
So without further ado, let's give a traditional Polk High welcome...
...a big round of applause for our honoured guest...
...Mr. Terry Bradshaw.
They're applauding.
Either Terry Bradshaw started speaking or Mrs. D'Arcy stopped.
Well, it doesn't matter.
All we have to do is listen for that cymbal crash.
Popcorn?
Don't mind if I do.
Purse?
So people often ask me...
...how I threw what was considered by many...
...as the most famous pass of all time, the immaculate reception.
I tell them, it was very much like at my bachelor's party...
...where I just closed my eyes and heaved.
Gee, Al, you're taking this rather maturely.
Peg, I just figured it out that ultimately everyone gets what they deserve.
Well, I'm sure you'll get yours, Daddy.
You can say that again, pumpkin.
Well, I'm sure you'll get yours, Daddy.
This award is truly a great honour...
...and that's why this scoreboard should be dedicated to someone...
...that is as much a part of Polk High football...
...as these bleachers or that goal post or the low test scores.
What a blowhard.
That's why this scoreboard can only be named after one man.
Al...
..." Four touchdowns in a single game" Bundy!
Al, your name is on the scoreboard.
Oh, Peg. I'm a field.
Bundy, Bundy, Bundy.
Hey, hey, Bud, sounds like they're chanting, "Bundy, Bundy."
Kelly probably just bent over to pick up a quarter.
Hey, okay. There's the band.
Remember when we hear the cymbal, we blow the scoreboard.
Oh, no.
No!
And in other news, hundreds of organizations are c/aiming credit...
... for the bombing of the A/ Bundy scoreboard...
... inc/uding the Nationa/ Organization Of Women...
... the Nationa/ Organization of Fat Women...
... and the government of France.
Come on in.
Daddy...
...before Mr. Spamshank left...
...he wanted to talk to you.
Al...
...I just wanted to say...
...that despite everything...
...I still respect you, man.
I mean, you are without a doubt...
...the greatest athlete in Polk High history.
I mean, that incredible run that you had today...
...just proved one thing to me, man.
That you could have been a big star in the NFL.
I'll tell you something else, Al.
You're my MVP.
Push.
Now, I know that Daddy can't see, but that...
...must have been the new highlight of his life.
Oh, well, probably not.
He can't hear either.